Last night was a bad night. I had nightmares that bespoke of too much coffee and shorshay maach late at night. In these nightmares, unfamiliar people casually inhabited places i once knew well, some of which no longer exist
Perhaps it was more than coffee, cigarettes and mustard. Ive been feeling what can only be described as a privileged middle class angst. In other words, theres no problem. But i'm not used to not having a problem so my minds going crazy trying to figure out what the problem is. Put down like that its so simple, but the experience of your mind trying to wrap itself around a non existent issue is very disconcerting; like walking elaborate dimly lit labyrinths and finding nothing at the end 'oh there must be a mistake, let me try it again' and so on ad infinitum. not light amusement, i assure you.
In this somewhat disoriented frame of mind ive been going on with things, pretty much as usual. Well at least ive not fucked up anything major. Work, analysis, read, write, drive, Gmail, Facebook, debate, go out for a smoke, check to see if the red ants got the sugar again that sort of thing. Life as usual.
This morning my phone rings and its an old friend "why are you depressed?". Well how the hell did he know i was depressed he doesnt even live in the same city. We keep in touch, but havent met in a while. Of late weve both been very very busy, each walking our own labyrinths i suspect. So how the hell?
I guess it takes about a decade and half of friendship (almost, now, isn't it?). It just felt so good. And i was half asleep so i told the truth about why i was feeling this way. So now i know why. Yes there is something at the center of the labyrinth, lets say its the cake in the clive barker introduction to sandman. No big deal, quite interesting in fact. At any rate theres a number of ways to deal with it, one of which would be to simply eat the damned thing:)
Actually, this is about not just about the particular call i got this morning/ although im still smiling from that. Its about my friends, many of whom have proved repeatedly that they will be my friends no matter now annoying or difficult i get. Theres this web of relationships that i inhabit, and the web holds me up, sustains me and provides a place to fall into nylon netting/ as opposed to solid ground.
So i sit here in front of a lighted screen feeling very grateful for the people i love, and those who love me. technology and emotion, who says they don't go together. I find myself receiving love over the phone, over chat, over email. And there are those who give up other things to sit and talk, sometimes for unresonable lengths of time. So this is for all of you.
Thank you so much.